Nutshell

Hard to deal but this is what life is all about. Some day you cheer up another day you shatter down. Rush and emotions, days beyond imagination and expectations. Tormented phase hard to deal.
Days when you feel broken and shattered.

Think about life you are living. Are you the only one clasping emotions? You being the one having number of of issues to deal with. And people around you are the so deemed guests of life? Ever thought it this way? 
Situations are for everyone, everyone is dealing with their own disasters. Dealing with their own lives.

Don’t end up saying: ‘why me? Why me always.’

Every one out there having their own struggles. 

I hope you relate with ‘I’

I’m tired of life, I am tired of my own existence; why so many problems with me and my life all the time. I’m so young to deal with this. At this point of age I’ve experienced a lot; backstabbing, criticism, heartbreaks. I’m already facing a lot, now what is next!

When this all mess will get over? Why life keep throwing tests? I am tired of giving these tests. Why I won’t come around worthy people or I’m not worth? All these questions but nobody answers, even I don’t know the answer by myself.

‘I fake smile’ still people believe. ‘I fake smile’ because I don’t want people to know what I’m tormenting still i want them to observe and feel what troubling bewilders I deal, how bad i bleed inside. How excruciating this pain is. It would be better to drown in drugs I think sometimes but then I stop myself from such idea, at least i would not feel this unpleasantness. I’m crushed emotionally, I’m tired of this mental suffering and distress. I won’t tell people direct but; yes it hurts.

All those critics I go through on daily basis no opinions but direct judgements I suffer somewhere; they let me down,on pillow drenched in valley of tears and nights seem dank and endless, sometimes i feel to live with these dank unpleasant nights, but then I realise this is not the way to live.

I try a lot to get over but still I get stuck and get tangled, I know I’ve the answer but I’m lasy to work for it or if I’ll get clear with the route I will loose the people, i sway around and it gets messier. And I suffer because i think too much, just can’t get over my own thoughts.
I fear to talk about my insecurities and flaws. Because I think the only person who understands me and can deal with my mess and sadness is ‘I’ myself. 

Couldn’t  get over peoples and their talks, the things they do. Why I get attached with people and hope for the same connection. I get really excited and put energy during chats/calls and then get disappointed when person do not reply back with same energy and excitement.
I understand everybody out there but no one understand me. No one understand the bewilders I go through. 
Sulking whole night; involuntary actions taking me to edge of emotions. Sobbing and grumbling; helplessness, broken goals, dreams, relationships, broken bondings. At the end everything pisses me off. Dealing with such phase I never feel when I fall asleep; but those tears gave me peace somewhere; that unconscious pleasant sleep after those tears.

(My energy sits down); i know how badly this hurts, how badly it crushes; feelings and emotions inside, I know the pain I deal with. 

There are people who think they understand me, at times when i need them the most they fail understanding.
I skip topics, avoid arguments, I take blames without defending or explaining what actually happened. I feel offended but show like i never cared. Yes, I do this nonsense, i rarely raise my voice, yes because; ‘I’m tired’ tired of everything, tired of explanations, tired of giving answers which will not be believed and trusted. At this point I get tired of my life tired of my own existence.

Tired of making people understand stupid things over and over again. People who understand me, stood by my side, people whom i told about things i gone through, things i faced, they were the one who kissed those wounds of my life, then why I’m zoning them with the ones who do not understand, do not believe and care.
This is just because may be I feel: they are tired of me being like this, my problems. They wanna see me smiling and they had enough of me with my problems. They care for me and keep explaining me mistakes, consoling me and making me understand, which is what i do not need. They just don’t understand; I don’t need people to make me know; how wrong I did, how rude I was, where did I go wrong, what mess i created or about how bad the situation has gone just because of me.I don’t want this, i really don’t because I’m already aware of it. Aware of my harshness, aggression, mistakes and about everything else i did wrong.

I just want them to be with me at this point of time I don’t have grip over anything, i try to move to someone; my hands reach out to my phone. One text? One call? To that someone who might make me feel pretty. Who might make me feel important. And my need takes over.

Time when I want someone to hold my hand and hug me tight and just stay long for some seconds saying ‘I understand‘ , yet I know they don’t and they can’t but still that will be more than enough for me to overcome everything that shattered and killed me inside.
May be this is how ‘I’m. And this is what most of people out there face daily. Crying nights long, hiding tears with gestures and excuses, forgiving people for whatever they do, pouring oneself with every drop of pain. Some people do not even have the idea; how much they have been transformed, some has became the complete change of personality and some let these sufferings play dominant role in their life. 
Every next person out there gets shattered and helpless at some point of life; because of family, may be because of relations they deal with, health, career or employment matters many other tiny and massive troubling mess. Everyone is dealing with life with their own logics. 

Everyone out their having their own struggles. So Be Kind.

We’ve all been hurt by words before. So be kind before you speak, think about how your words might affect someone else.